Short screenplay from Done Deal May 2005 contest.
"Gunboat Diplomacy"
FADE IN:
EXT. FARM HOUSE - NIGHT
Nothing fancy, somewhat old-fashioned, oil lanterns hang off
the front porch.
A car zooms down the road toward the house, its headlights
bouncing up and down. It skids to a dusty stop and the doors
fly open.
HOLLY MAVEN, a glamorous girl reporter and her podgy
cameraman, BURT, spill out. Holly looks around.
HOLLY
I can't believe it, we're the first!
Move it, lard-ass! Exclusive!
Exclusive!
They hurry to the house, skid to a stop at the bottom of the
steps. Burt turns on his camera light and peers through his
viewfinder.
HOLLY
Go, go, go!
Burt holds up three fingers, two fingers, one finger--
Holly raises her microphone and turns on her ten-thousand-
dollar smile.
HOLLY
This is Holly Maven reporting for
International News. We are at the
Harboro farm in Western Virginia,
home of Mr. and Mrs. Jake Harboro.
Tonight, as local authorities will
confirm and the Air Force will deny,
this quaint, rustic farm was witness
to incredible scenes.
The door opens and JAKE HARBORO, 50s, looks out curiously.
Holly runs up the stairs, Burt and camera follow.
HOLLY
Mr. Harboro! Holly Maven,
International News!
For a moment it looks as if Jake might go back inside... but
he opens the door, blinking under Burt's camera light.
HOLLY
Mr. Harboro, we understand you met
with honest-to-goodness aliens who
came to Earth in a flying saucer?
JAKE
Huh. How'd you know that?
HOLLY
News travels fast, Mr. Harboro.
And, your wife phoned her second
cousin Thelma in Charleston. Will
you tell us what happened, Mr.
Harboro? You're live, on air, via
satellite.
JAKE
Huh. Well, okay. That's right. I
met with aliens.
HOLLY
What did they look like?
JAKE
They was tall, and silvery.
HOLLY
Silvery? Do you mean their spacesuits
or their skin?
JAKE
I can't rightly say which.
HOLLY
Were you able to converse with the
aliens?
JAKE
They told me why they came.
HOLLY
How did they tell you this? Did
they converse with you in English?
Jake scratches his jaw, trying to figure it out.
JAKE
I guess they kinda poured their
thoughts into my head.
Holly sucks in a deep breath. Burt silently mouths, "Oh my
God."
HOLLY
So the aliens were telepathic? What
were their thoughts? Please share
with us, Mr. Harboro. The nation is
waiting. The entire world is waiting.
JAKE
They told me, that they represented
the Galactic Union. They said they
wanted to invite the people of Earth
to join the Union, so we could become
part of a great brotherhood that
stretches across the sky. They didn't
say "brotherhood" -- they used a
term that transcends sex, color and
creed. I just can't say it. It's a
symbol, not a word.
HOLLY
Amazing. But why did they come here
and say -- or think -- these things
to you? Why didn't they go to
Washington? Or some other great
capital city of the world?
JAKE
Well, truth is, I don't like to say.
HOLLY
You have to say, Mr. Harboro. You
must say. From what we've just heard,
these aliens brought a message for
the people of Earth, not just for
you.
Jake thinks about that, long and hard.
JAKE
Well, okay. They said they don't
trust politicians. They said before
the Galactic Union was formed,
terrible wars was threatening to
destroy them. Then something
happened. Something wonderful.
HOLLY
What happened, Mr. Harboro? What
was this wonderful something?
JAKE
Some people -- by which I suppose I
mean aliens, although they're a lot
more like us than you'd think -- got
together and talked. Just ordinary
people, people without any political
agenda. And whatever the problem
was, it got solved. They tried the
same thing again in some other place
where things were looking bad, and
you know what? Agreements were
reached, and the fighting stopped,
and the military disarmed and went
home. News kinda got around.
Whenever ordinary people were allowed
to talk things over, problems got
solved. No speeches, no rhetoric,
no celebrities trying to score points
off each other or argue for made-up
reasons. Oh, and the media had a
part to play, too. Alien news
reporters and suchlike. Your opposite
numbers, so to speak.
HOLLY
They did? And what part did they
play?
JAKE
They weren't allowed to come anywhere
near the discussions any more, and
anything they wrote, or transmitted,
or spread through information-carrying
virusus, was edited to take out the
trash and just leave the honest truth.
That stopped half the wars there and
then.
Holly's microphone quivers. She glances nervously at the
camera.
HOLLY
So that's why they came to your farm.
They were seeking someone ordinary,
a non-politician, to represent the
people of Earth?
JAKE
That's about the size of things.
HOLLY
When are they coming back?
JAKE
Coming back?
HOLLY
Why, yes. Aren't they coming back
to pick you up and take you away to
wherever this Galactic Union of theirs
meets?
Holly looks significantly up at the night sky. Burt tilts
up and films the stars, then tilts down and focuses on Jake
again.
JAKE
Not for a while. Their ship is fast,
but it still takes time to get to
where it's going, and once they start
their journey, turning around isn't
easy. Well, I've probably said
enough. Good-night.
Jake goes back inside. Holly gapes. She's about to go after
him but the door starts to close. Behind the door is Jake's
wife, ELLEN, 50s, looking rather sour-faced.
HOLLY
Mrs. Harboro! Holly Maven,
International News. Can you tell us
when the aliens are coming back?
Ellen pauses on the verge of closing the door. Holly looks
nervously at the camera.
ELLEN
It's like my husband said. Not for
a while.
HOLLY
So that's it? They flew billions of
miles just to tell us they'd like us
to join their Galactic Union, but
they didn't say when it would happen?
That just doesn't make sense.
ELLEN
They didn't just come here to tell
us. They came here to find someone
to represent Earth.
Ellen tries to close the door but Holly jams her foot in,
stopping it. Holly winces in pain.
HOLLY
Whoa, Mrs. Harboro! You can't just
stop there.
ELLEN
I don't want to say any more.
HOLLY
We have a right to know. Everyone
has a right to know. What happened?
Did they change their minds after
meeting you and your husband? Were
you the wrong kind of people? Not
smart enough, or what?
ELLEN
No, they didn't change their minds,
and as it turned out, we were exactly
the right kind of people.
HOLLY
Then I'm afraid I don't understand.
ELLEN
When they left... When they left
here, they took my mother with them.
Holly's bewilderment is transmitted across the world.
HOLLY
I hope you don't mind my asking,
Mrs. Harboro, but what age are you?
ELLEN
If you must know, I'm fifty-seven.
HOLLY
Then your mother must be...?
ELLEN
She's ninety. She married and had
children somewhat late in life.
HOLLY
So Earth's representative to the
Galactic Union is a ninety-year-old
woman?
ELLEN
Her age isn't a problem. The aliens
have machines that extend life beyond
what you might call natural limits.
None of them was less than three
centuries old, by our reckoning.
They did look kinda wrinkled, though.
Like walnuts.
HOLLY
Incredible. Did they choose your
mother for her home-spun country
wisdom?"
ELLEN
Not exactly.
HOLLY
What does "not exactly" mean, Mrs.
Harboro?
ELLEN
It was my husband's doing.
HOLLY
How so, Mrs. Harboro, how so?
ELLEN
When the aliens asked who we thought
should go with them, my husband
suggested my mother would be the
ideal candidate.
HOLLY
I'm sure every married man in the
country would like to get rid of his
mother-in-law so easily, ha-ha.
Holly grimaces, wishing to God she hadn't said that.
ELLEN
I'm sure you're right.
HOLLY
Mrs. Harboro, can't you just--?
ELLEN
My mother has senile dementia, Miss
Maven. Or as my husband would say,
she's two cans short of a six-pack.
He sent me through to the kitchen to
make some coffee for our guests. I
said maybe they don't drink coffee,
but he insisted. When I came back
the aliens were gone, and so was my
mother.
HOLLY
That's bad, isn't it?
ELLEN
She rarely knows where she is half
the time. More often than not she
doesn't even recognize me, her own
daughter. She argues with my husband
constantly and is prone to fits of
violence. And she never, ever, makes
it to the bathroom in time.
Holly glances up at the night sky in wonder.
HOLLY
Good God.
ELLEN
But you know what really worries me?
HOLLY
You mean that's not enough? There's
more?
ELLEN
Whenever we take her into town, she
makes a beeline for old men. You'd
think libido would switch itself off
after a certain age, wouldn't you?
Ellen shakes her head and sighs again.
ELLEN
Well, good-night.
Ellen slowly closes the door. Holly and Burt peek in through
the narrowing gap, in time to catch a glimpse of--
Jake, sitting with his legs stretched out in front of the
fire, a beer in one hand and the TV remote in the other, and
wearing a huge grin.
FADE OUT
The End
04/07 thanks Mark ;)
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